How (not) to open an English bank account. Part two.

It’s a fortnight since I decided to forgo the smart option and attempt to open a bank account without commercial assistance. Oh have I learnt plenty since.

After my blog, an email appeared from my brother to the effect of “don’t be an idiot.” He’s right, of course. 1^st Contact does take away the fuss. My point, however, was to wonder whether there was actually much fuss to begin with. My visa still works, as does my Westpac debit card (just look for the Maestro signs). What this means is that I’m not exactly put out when it comes to accessing my (dwindling) financial resources. I will concede that it does become important when you gain employment, employers after all need a UK account in which to deposit your pay. But honestly, who finds a job within a fortnight?

I did a little homework. Actually, I emailed 1^st Contact, and enquired after their turnaround. A lady named Kelly emailed me back a few hours later with marketing guff. “It is virtually impossible to open a bank account on your own . That is why 1^st Contact created the...” It drones on, the long and short of it being that she neglected to answer my question. Of note was a request at the end of the email, asking readers to “Please consider the environment before printing this email.” I reached to my keyboard and hit ‘delete’.

My Kiwi friends Dave and Maz have been in London for over a year now. When I caught up with them I asked them about their strategy. I suppose it wasn’t fair. Dave used to live in England, and already had an NHS number, which he promptly renewed. For him at least, opening an account couldn’t have been easier. His NHS number, and his passport guaranteed him a smooth ride. What was more sobering was his warnings on the perils of credit. His credit limits are constantly extended, a ploy by banks to entice overspending. One subject at a time though, Dave.

What I hope you’ll notice by now is that the process does not appear to be as catch-22 as marketers make it out to be. Let me demonstrate. On Barkley’s website, they offer this advice: “To open an account we need confirmation of who you are and where you live, according to government regulations. We need two original documents (emphasis added) ...”

You can read the rest yourself. Your two original documents are: a passport or something that confirms your identity, and a utility bill or something that confirms your address. Please note the bold. Identity. Address.

I’ve read it a few times now. I even wonder what the catch is. Identity. Address. I have a passport, thankfully a UK one, and I will be receiving my UK drivers license shortly, which for kiwis is simply a matter of filling in a form, parting with some money and relinquishing your NZ license to the good people at the post office. The process takes about two weeks.

I suppose if you don’t have two weeks, then 1^st contact will be perfect, if they can assure you a faster turnaround. Perhaps I’m not being fair on them, after all, I only asked them once.

Most likely this whole account nonsense will nip me at the posts, but for now I am envisioning myself on the podium, rakishly smiling at my triumph over advertisers who market on fear, while clutching my precious Barclays account in my hands. Victory will be sweet.