Tube Life

He stares at her and smiles. He speaks softly and she returns his words with a whisper. They hold hands and time disappears like a breath. Some movement, she leans over to him, and a hand disappears into a bag.

It returns with a toothbrush. He slips it in his mouth and begins brushing his teeth.
Not really my choice of next move but then again this is happening about two feet away from me on the tube to High Barnet. Yes, London. Yes, that tube.

The thing is it’s not even out of place. For every dozen commuters who understand the veil between public and private, you have one wretched soul who seems to be born without the little thing inside each person. You know, the thing that tells you other people might not appreciate you, say, singing in a crowded moving carriage. People call it a conscience.

Couple that with being trapped on the oldest underground transport system in the world. The council boasts about that little titbit as if you should compare the tubes to a fine wine or a mature cheese. It’s summer here, which means you’re trapped in the sweat and stale air of these subterranean tins. With no air-con, hustling for standing room, it ain’t exactly Pleasantville.

So let’s get a tally of what two months in Blighty’s tubes has given me: louts and drunks, which frankly are the best of the lot. Dozens – dozens of guys who decide to spread eagle just a little too wide like they’re on show. The obese man passed out over three seats, a sliver of drool running down his chin. The construction worker who pulls a three litre container from his haversack and slurps the mashy, meaty contents into his mouth. And we have our two lovebirds who find that intimacy is best enjoyed in a compartment with fifty strangers.

Back to our lovers then. The man has been smiling at the girl for a while, toothbrush sticking out his mouth. Bubbles of toothpaste threaten to escape his mouth. Coyly, she raises her bottle of Evian. “Water?” I hear her ask. He shakes his head and pulls out a bottle of his own. They share a laugh together.

Which means they also share it with me. If he has any smarts, he’ll get to second base by flossing.